i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I could fuck to npr.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Randomize
