sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
