I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
my sisters under your porch take her home
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
