i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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