when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
