I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Randomize
