Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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