Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
