I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
