He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
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My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
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Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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