Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
