Umm I'm too high to move.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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