my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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