I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
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