i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
