i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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