You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
