I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Im part way to drunk.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
