can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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