My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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