Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
