saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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