Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
