What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
