I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
