If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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