Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
