I feel like abortions should bother me more
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
