You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
