Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
