Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
