he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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