hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
