The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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