i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
