just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
