I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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