He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
