Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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