I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
