A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
