I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
