you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
