I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
