just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''