So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party