Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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