apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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