I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
