just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
