She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
