Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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