glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
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When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
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Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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