Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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