I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
