she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Is it because I queefed?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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