Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
